Satire: The spotted lanternfly will rise

By Conway Lynch
Staff Writer

The spotted lanternfly army – the bane of 13 counties in Pa. – is going to rise from it’s sticky, tree-hugging ashes, and when it does, we better be ready. We lost the battle, and if we don’t prepare ourselves now, we will lose the war.

Berks county – including Kutztown – is on the frontlines of this fight, and we have to be strong. The government has failed us; leaders in Harrisburg, along with researchers, don’t expect to eradicate the pest in the immediate future, so we must take things into our own hands. I’ve devised three options that may be our only hopes for survival.

Forget the tree wraps

Remember last summer when almost every tree was wrapped with that tacky yellow tape? Yeah, it didn’t do much. Sure, it helped slow them down, but these little six-legged psychopaths just climbed over their own dead to scale the tree. The way I see it, the tree wraps offer us nothing but an eye sore. Instead of keeping our trees wrapped, we need to seriously consider trees strapped with flamethrowers. I suggested flamethrowers in my article that ran Sept. 13, 2018, and look where we are now.

Threaten ecological terrorism

If we as a state band together into a…let’s just say coalition…we could get the government to start giving us answers. I say we threaten to take the lanternfly outside of the state and infect all of America with this sap-sucking blight. Obviously, the feds don’t want that, so maybe they will start to throw a little bit more time, money and resources our way. Sometimes when people don’t give you what you want, you have to take it.

Give up on Pennsylvania

Maybe it’s time we face facts. The lanternfly fight was over before it even started, and after this summer, we will be left with even more damage. The pests are surely going to destroy the state’s $18 billion grape, tree fruit, lumber and nursery industries. Without that, what do we have? Potholes? A big, cracked bell in Philadelphia? Punxsutawney Phil? Not good enough. Get out while the getting’s good.

The bottom line

The spotted lanternfly isn’t going anywhere, and we shouldn’t either. This is a serious threat to our ecosystem, and if we don’t act fast, it could have worse repercussions than anyone’s anticipated. It’s fun to joke, but seriously, do what you can to help fight this crisis.


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