Satire: Unresolved inner turmoil and faux Satanism

By Conway Lynch
Staff Writer

On Oct. 30, a devious vandal took to our beautiful campus. Armed with spray paint, a high dose of angst and a faulty understanding of Satanism, the perpetrator managed to spray graffiti–pentagrams and the words “body count” on eight buildings between 10:45 p.m. and midnight.

How he or she did this without being immediately caught is a mystery, but one fact remains: the vandal certainly isn’t a self-respecting Satanist.

The Church of Satan has a copyright on their pentagram, the “Sigil of Baphomet,” but they say on their website that one could use their version as long as they ask permission.

Clearly, this vandal isn’t the type of person who asks permission before doing something, so their depictions of the pentagram could be viewed as a violation of copyright, and considering the church’s recent suit against Netflix for the use of a statue of Baphomet in “The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina,” they are pretty serious – $50 million serious.

However, after more research on the Church of Satan’s website, I saw this: “Those wishing to use a public domain version of a goat/pentagram/“Leviathan” symbol must go back to the historically published sources, or they may take the challenge to draw a fresh one.”

Oddly, this works in the vandal’s favor. With the lack of any citation, it seems they created their own fresh piece of art and are, therefore, by definition, protected from copyright infringement (and considering their sloppy line work and disproportionate angles, this artistic endeavor was, in fact, a challenge for them).

Vandalism at Shaeffer Auditorium

The Church of Satan values knowledge, uniqueness, critical thinking and creativity, and the “closest things to sins” are conformity, ignorance and stupidity.

If the perpetrator had truly carried out the vandalism in the name of Satanism, they would have likely done a much better job of it, starting with the omission of the apparent reference to Ice T’s little-known heavy metal band, Body Count.

The Church of Satan says on their website, “We can offer love to those who deserve it and deliver our wrath (within reasonable limits) upon those who seek to cause us–or that which we cherish–harm.”

So, this vandal delivered their “wrath” outside of reasonable limits upon a university that upholds the same values of Satanists: knowledge, uniqueness, critical thinking and creativity–talk about an internal conflict.

While I’m personally not a Satanist, I have done some research, and this act of vandalism was most likely done by someone with no Satanist affiliations. Facing large fines, potential jail time and almost certain expulsion from college just aren’t in line with the philosophy. No true Satanist would commit the cardinal sin: stupidity.

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