Satire: For the hopeless millennial trying to meet new people

By Conway Lynch
Staff Writer

You’re sitting alone in your room. An infomercial for the ultimate sponge on your television illuminates your otherwise bleak life. You check your phone—no notifications. It’s time to try something crazy, something bold: meeting another human being without hiding behind a phone screen.

Personally, I haven’t made a friend in years, but I’ll use my position as a published writer to establish my own credibility and authority on the topic. Without further ado, here are some tried and true ways to find your new best friends.

I know how taxing this seems, but according to a Yahoo Answers thread, the first thing you have to do is leave your room. Probably a good idea to put on some sunglasses—your blue-light adapted retinas will thank you.

Now, take a trip to any coffee shop with an overly complicated menu. Before you walk inside, take advantage of the free Wi-Fi and do some research. You’re going to want to learn everything there is to know about coffee and coffee culture.

I suggest ordering something like a triple, venti, half sweet, non-fat, caramel macchiato. According to the Pew Research Center, using pretentious lingo like that makes you, “super approachable and stuff.”

Next time you’re in a library, try loading up a video called something like, “I bet $1,000,000 you will laugh (try not to laugh or smile challenge; if you laugh or smile restart the video—the challenge)!” Be sure to watch it at full volume to draw others in.

Trust me, hilarity will ensue. After restarting the video about three times, people will be clamoring to watch with you. You’re going to make so many friends!

Remember planking? People really seemed to like that. I’m not saying try it, it was just a thought.

Alright, this one is a heavy hitter: buy a yo-yo. I know what you’re thinking. It sounds crazy, but hear me out. Owning a yo-yo will almost automatically make you likeable. Get a good one, like one that comes with a DVD showing you how to do all the tricks.

It could take you years to become a master, but it’s likely worth it. I mean, have you seen any of those people? It’s impossible to look away. Honestly, if you get good enough shoot me an email, this is really just about me wanting to be friends with a yo-yo master.

One last piece of advice: get a job as a janitor. Think about it, how many movies have you seen where the janitor turns out to be an immensely wise and valuable friend? I’m not saying it’s a sure thing, but come on, they wouldn’t lie in movies—at least not that often.

Good luck with your newfound friends. Now, if you want to advance the relationship to something more, all you have to do is get complicated feelings for one of them.


Categories: Freeform, Uncategorized