By Anonymous

In recent weeks, many students have been complaining about a funky taste in the water from the dorm water fountains. Weird, right? I thought that too so I decided to do some investigating.

I went to the water fountain in one of the residence halls and the water tasted a little off, but I kept drinking it anyway.
It seemed fine until I went back to my room and started doing all of the homework I had previously neglected to finish,

Drawn by Matt Tomlinson, The Keystone
Drawn by Matt Tomlinson, The Keystone

studied for four straight hours without taking any breaks, and then contacted several clubs – joining all three of them in the process.

It turns out the school has been pumping a new psychoactive drug into the water pipes that will strip students of their own thoughts and control their minds.

Yes, mind control. That’s a real thing in 2015. KU will now only be known for the mind control of their students, and there’s seemingly nothing we can do about it unless we stop drinking the water.

But who wants to do that when the price of plastic water bottles continue to rise? Not me or many other college students, that’s for sure.

I talked to one student who shall remain nameless who had this to say: “This is absolutely crazy.”

Clearly, the student body is unhappy with the school administration controlling our minds.

But why does the school want our free will? I decided to take a further analysis at my habits while the drug was active in my body and found most of my activities were only beneficial to me. It’s obvious the school wants us to succeed and get us involved. As I began to wrap up the investigation, I started to wonder. Did I want to write this article, or is the school just forcing me to write it? I need to go get a drink of water while I think about this more.

april fools


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