Freeform

Kutztown Hires Judy Hopps to Assist with Ticketing Students – Satire

By Spencer Ford, Recruitment and Retention Manager
and Michael Alberto, Freeform Editor 

The start of the spring semester has brought forth many new challenges and surprises. From the dining hall seemingly running out of food to COVID rates rising shockingly in proportion to students returning to campus, it is gearing up to be an eventful semester for KU. One surprise that shocked students, however, was the newest addition to the Public Safety team. 

Judy Hopps from the city of Zootopia has been hired to help Public Safety officers with ticketing students. Hopps is KU’s first-ever bunny officer. 

KU parking lot
Credit: Vincent Lattanzi

Students recalled watching Hopps struggle to reach the taller vehicles in the lots. “She’s only about two feet tall,” said one student who received a parking ticket issued by Hopps. “She left paw marks and fur all over my windshield.”

Hopps said that she is enjoying the job so far and corrected that she is three feet tall, not two. Professors and students alike can see her hard at work when glancing at the windows of Lytle, as she must get a running start first in order to reach the height of the cars. 

“Frankly, it’s a distraction to my classes,” one professor claimed. “How do they expect me to teach class with a rabbit ticketing students?”

Despite these complaints, Public Safety said Hopps is here to stay. In just her first few days, she has given out a new record of tickets. She is Public Safety’s smallest and fastest officer, with a personal record of 25 mph on foot.

Students have been advised to stop trying to bribe Hopps with carrots, as she prefers blueberries. Students should also be reminded that bribing an officer is illegal, regardless of whether that officer is a three-foot-tall rabbit.

Public Safety has also sent out a PSA reminding students to watch out for Officer Hopps when driving around campus.