By Donovan Levine
COVID-19 announced it would be surrendering following protests from angry Americans that really wanted haircuts. The virus said it is tired and would like to go home.
Thanks to the undying courage and bravery of these protestors who rallied across the country this weekend, primarily in Pennsylvania, California, Kentucky, Michigan, Maryland, North Carolina, Ohio, Texas and Wisconsin, the virus felt it could finally give up and stop hurting people.
Most of these protestors were, notably, middle class nationalists, wearing Trump campaign paraphernalia and decking out their vehicles in stars and stripes, as expected of true, authentic Americans.
Thanks to these protestors’ heroic stand against our corrupt politicians and medical advisors who said to stay home amidst a mountain of evidence showing how contagious COVID-19 was, we can now all return to life as normal.