Satire: Rethinking the resume

By Conway Lynch
Staff Writer

Oprah Winfrey once said, “The challenge of life, I have found, is to build a resume that doesn’t simply tell a story about what you want to be, but it’s a story about who you want to be.”

Now, I don’t know about you, but for me, everything Oprah says is completely factual, and I’m not talking about any of those “alternative facts.” No, I mean it’s over for you 100 percent of the time if you don’t listen to Oprah.

So, if you’re not ready for some truth-bombs, just go ahead and walk away. If you’re still here, then strap in for the ride of your life, because when it’s all said and done you will have the best resume ever written, guaranteed.

Let’s start by analyzing what Oprah so elegantly said piece by piece, “The challenge of life.”

Here, Oprah is saying that there is a challenge in life.

Next, “I have found.” Oprah is informing her followers, i.e. us, that she has, in fact, found something. This is important to keep in mind when writing a resume. If you can’t find something then you might as well find yourself an access card; you won’t be getting hired anytime soon.

Oprah goes on to say, “…is to build a resume that doesn’t simply tell a story about what you want to be.” This part gets a little bit confusing and I haven’t decoded it yet; if any readers can make out what Oprah is saying, please reach out to The Keystone’s editor-in-chief, Katelyn Melder.

Oprah rounds out her thought saying, “But it’s a story about who you want to be.” This is the major takeaway here. A resume has to be a story. Forget about all structure. Think “once upon a time…” when composing your resume.

In summary, trust Oprah above all else. Life can have more than one challenge. It’s of the utmost importance that you find something, reach out to Katelyn Melder with feedback, and remember that creative writing is more important than writing for the workplace. Keep all of this in mind, and you will have the all-important, perfect resume. It might just manifest in front of you, but I haven’t really worked that part out yet. Good luck.

Categories: Freeform