By Fern Theobaldo
It was a warm breezy night, and the sky was clear and full of stars, constellations, and the waning crescent moon glowed. I was walking around the beach with my Vovo (grandfather) – That’s something we loved doing whenever my family went on vacation, parks, walks, or even barbecues in the backyard – and we stared at the dark sky. I remember being amazed at how shiny they were, “the shiniest one over there is Jupiter,” he said. “And that other one is Mars, can you see the bit of orange/red in it?” These were the two planets that most stuck out to me, as a 5- year-old.
My little brain could not comprehend how to “draw” out the constellations and identify where they were, but I have always been fascinated by how my grandfather knew so much about constellations, as if he were an astronomer, “can you see Tres Marias?” (Three Mary’s) as he would call it in Portuguese, and I could never see them but this has always been one of my favorite memories.
This small ritual of looking at the stars whenever I left my house at night became a coping mechanism. One day, when I was 6-years-old, my family and I came back from a dog adoption fair – we loved going to these and looking at the puppies for fun– and as soon as we parked, Kika came running to the gate wagging her tail, excited to see us. Cuca didn’t come to the gate, and I remember my mom calling her name many times, but she never came. As a child, I didn’t understand what was going on, “maybe she is still sleeping” I said. However, my family were already opening the house to look for her. A couple minutes later, I saw my mom crying and later that night, grandfather pointed to the night sky and showed me a star, “this is where Cuca is.” I felt like she was always with me after this, and everytime I looked at the sky, I could see her shining brighter, as if she was talking to me.
When my Vovo started having cardiac problems (I was 12) the stars calmed me down. I would go to the hospital after school to sit next to him in the hospital bed. He was always watching weird violent movies, but since I never liked it, he would put on a nice star documentary for us to watch. He has always been the calmest person when something bad happens, and I think I got that from him. He survived every single one of his surgeries and whenever we talk about it, he talks as if nothing even happened, just like how the stars “disappear” when the sky switches from day and night.
It was not only a coping mechanism, but a way to make me feel close to him since I am far away from home. I remember having the worst day of my life on March 26th, 2023. It was the first KutzPatties (Kutztown University’s St Patties day) with my best friends being all older than 21, and it was supposed to be a fun day. But surprise surprise, staying out all day isn’t just bad for your body, it is even worse for your mental health.
Being at shorty’s bar at lunch time sounded unreal, even for shorty’s main characters. Everyone was wearing green outfits and the bar had special decorations for the occasion. There were a couple of people drinking beer and talking, some were devouring food, and others were watching the game on the TVs. Sam and I were doing all of these and planning our day ahead. “We are hitting the bars, going home to nap, and coming back at night for the club,” she said. And I really should have done that, but on the way back, the girl I was seeing at the time called me to tell me she was picking me up to go to the sports houses with her friends, and how I just didn’t like listening to my body back then, I went. We hopped between the football, hockey, and basketball houses and then went to some frat houses.I always disliked frat parties.
After being hot and sweaty at these places and having great chips and guacamole at the local Mexican restaurant, the clock hit 10pm and it was time to reunite with my friends at Shorty’s. We were lucky to be the first ones in line, because the place was packed and a huge line was starting to form behind us. After we got inside, it was chaos; I saw people losing their friends, people throwing up on trash cans, a lot of people getting kicked out, and there was no place to move whatsoever. The girl I was seeing kissed this other girl in front of me and then asked me to kiss her friend too – She was secretly in love with her, if you ask me– but that threw me over the edge and I couldn’t stop crying. Then, she manipulated me to think I was being dramatic and made me feel bad. That was the first strike of the night.
After I got home at 2 a.m beat and heartbroken, I decided to text my mom while I sat crying on my bedroom floor. My mom and I never had a close relationship where we talked about our feelings much, so I just texted to send her pics of my outfit expecting her to answer me in the next morning. However, she responded right away.
The next morning, I was woken up by her call. As soon as I saw her name on my phone I started trembling because my mom never calls me.
“How are you feeling?” she asked
The memories from last night started to come back, and since I didn’t want to say anything, I just said I was good.
“Vovo had a heart attack, he is in the hospital with grandma and Tutu.”
Tutu was my uncle.
At the moment I didn’t hear anything else, it was like time froze and all I could do was cry and look at my mom trying to be strong for me, explaining he was ok and had already woken up from the surgery.
I called him that night. He was lying in bed eating pudding with the nicest smile on his face while talking to me. It was impressive how something horrible can happen and he is so grateful to be ok. That was something I got from him. He also taught me “Nao tem tempo ruim,” which translates to “there’s no bad weather” meaning we can look at the bright side of everything because unfortunate situations will always come to our lives, and it is up to us to make it a good or bad situation. He was asking me questions of when I am coming to visit and all the things he is going to cook when I come back from college. “We can make ‘churrasco’ and sit by the pool,” he said.
And that’s exactly what we did after I came back. We had many nights where we would light a bonfire and sit with my family and the dogs outside to look at the stars.
Being far from home and suffering from anxiety is frustrating because I am always nervous something is going to happen to him. But whenever I feel a pain in my heart I look up at the sky and think that the stars saved him, and consequently, they saved me too.